Going Carmelo

Throughout the history of the Olympic Games and the course of the history of professional basketball, there have been some pretty impressive performances. The Michael Jordan flu game. Usain Bolt in the 100M dash. Michael Phelps when not in a Subway commercial. Yet the most impressive feat of all may have been something I refer to now as “Going Carmelo”.

You see, Nigeria wasn’t ready for Carmelo Anthony. Shoot, they weren’t ready for Susan B. Anthony. The former Syracuse Orange (what is singular for Orange?) star put up 37 points, a U.S. Olympic record, on 13-16 from the field and a ridiculous 10 of 12 from three point land. Oh and he did it in 14 minutes and 29 seconds of game action. Yep, Going Carmelo indeed.

And it is rare that an elite athlete gets an opportunity to Go Carmelo. It takes an unique set of circumstances, a hot hand and the right environment. Fortunately for you, I encountered these circumstances tonight in upper Queen Anne on the backside of some school playground. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t get to act it out. Lucky for those suckers “trying” to play some ball. You see, elite athletes also can Go Carmelo on other things. In this case, a chorizo burrito from Marlena’s Tacos. I went H.A.M. a.k.a. Carmelo on that burrito while watching my son. (Note: you can Go Carmelo on anything as long as it is pure dominance. This could be a term paper, stapling some papers, wrapping a gift, drinking a beverage, whatever). That’s when I noticed the suckas trying to shoot around. One of them even said, “You guys want to play 3-on-3?” To which the dorky guy in long pants said “oh I can’t, something something excuse excuse I suck”. Despite my heavy stomach and rumbling digestion (a.k.a. burrito bomb), I debated stepping up, filling in for “pants guy” and Going Carmelo right then and there. Even in these shoes.

Yes, I felt so Carmelo against these scrubs that I figured a burrito, shoes that are Crocs but don’t look like Crocs hence why they fit my swag, and fatherly duties couldn’t stop me. (Just so I had proof, I pretended to watch a video on my phone but filmed these fools as they “hooped”). But they did. And I couldn’t get that feeling out of my head and my soul. I decided to film a little montage of how I would Go Carmelo on these fools. It would be ugly. It would be quick. And it would be lethal. So enjoy the world premiere (amazing huh?) of my new feature film: Going Carmelo.